Passion. What is it? For me it was being good at something. Loving the thing I was doing. Enjoying the hard-work involved in doing that activity. Doing that thing for me and not for any external reward. Being happy in the moment and at the end of the day, having a sense of happiness and fulfillment emotionally, from engaging in that activity. What is it for you? I ask because I truly believe that passion is that yummy juice of our life. We need to set time aside and identify what are passion is. And it doesn’t have to be singular. Not in the least! If you can identify what passion(s) drives you, you have a fundamental core to work from and out of; and a foundation that will weather all life’s personal and professional high-winds admirably.

That is what I mean by directing our thoughts intentionally: to become familiar with ourselves, to know what drives us, to acknowledge that we have passions that are personal to us; is the first step to realizing the life, the business you want to have and the person you want to be. All the steps in between will come after this realization; this understanding.

We all have ideas; all day long. Our minds in continual motion, hash over what we saw or did yesterday or just an hour ago; scenario-out what we must accomplish today and often “dream” about what will happen tomorrow or later in the year or even in twenty-five years. Our minds are churning thoughts all day long, so much so that we are often not aware of these conversations we are having with ourselves. The running dialogue becomes our white noise.

What happens when we decide we’re going to “listen” to what our minds are saying? The first observation you may have is how jumpy the thoughts are: we may think a couple of thoughts about one topic and then, just as quickly, we’re onto another entirely separate idea and we’re not quite sure how they relate, how we changed “thoughts” or why any of this is important, for that matter. It’s running dialogue but not directed or intentional.

How do you make the conversations in your head intentional; directed? You dig down and you clarify for yourself what you want in life – personally and professionally. You take an assessment of what gets you going; what floats your boat.

What is a fabrication?

To be honest, I didn’t.  Not before I started OMALA.  Not a clue, I had. 

I knew when a piece of clothing felt good on my skin.  That I registered.  “Hmmmm, that’s kinda yummy.”  I may have glanced at the content label.  Maybe not.  Even if I did glance at the content label, that’s about as far as I went to understanding what the content was.  If I saw a new word I didn’t know, like “Modal” or “Tencel” then I’d think, “cool, some kind of new fabric that feels soft!”.  Most times though; it didn’t register.

So guess what?  I’m going to write this blog about what you are going to start wearing the next time you buy a NEW OMALA piece of apparel.  Exciting stuff, I say!

 You’re probably thinking, “I don’t care.  Not really.  I’m going to read just one or two more sentences here, and then I’m jumping off to some other thinga maggiga (that’s a kind of Dr. Seuss reference:  my mister universe!)

Here’s  a NEWS FLASH!!!!!

OMALA has introduced a NEW FABRICATION to its collection of women’s active wear.  We used to make all of our clothing in a bamboo/cotton/spandex fabrication. 65% of the total fabric was made from a bamboo rayon thread (it’s pretty easy to find out the other 35% of the equation – go look at the care label on one of your OMALA pieces).  Women loved this fabrication.  OMALA has loyal fans because we design and produce in this fabrication.  And…we haven’t stopped making clothing in this fabrication.  Some of our best-sellers and most of our tunics and covers, will remain in this bamboo fabrication.  That’s the good news.

Some women though, felt a little taken aback by it.  They wanted more!  More grip.  More support.  More “coverage”.  More, I don’t know, hiding the not noticeable cellulite on their legs, more!

I listened.  I heard.  I fretted over what to do about this situation.  I mean, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feel of the bamboo fabrication.  It’s awesome.  it’s awesome feeling.  It’s super light-weight, extremely breathable but also curiously enveloping and contrary to some beliefs out there – it wicks moisture very nicely off the skin.  You can’t come out of a Bikram yoga class and feel instantly DRY; nor should you climb high, steep and tall mountains and camp above the clouds in a bamboo active wear shirt but….all the same, the fabrication is delightful. 

But, I wanted women to not only love OMALA’s designs but the fabric that we bring the designs to life IN!

That’s where OMALA’s NEW fabrication comes into play.  This month, and going forward, when you buy a practicing top or bottom on www.omala.com, you’ll likely see that the top and/or bottom is made in a Recycled Poly (ester) Spandex fabrication.  90% of the threads or fibers in this fabric is a recycled polyester.  Recycled from what?  Recycled from PET Bottles.  100% of the Recycled Poly comes from plastic PET bottles.  Super cool, right?  I mean SUPER DUPER cool.  I think it is, anyway.  The other 10% is spandex – that stretchy stuff that allows you to move and twist and turn.

We like this fabric. Our customers are telling us they like this fabric.  A lot!

Why?

Well, it’s a more traditional feeling fabric – in that – it offers a heavier hand-feel, feels “grippier” on the bod’ and more supportive.  Women feel like it holds them in better and covers, let’s just say, “non-perfect” spots in a more flattering way. 

We like the new fabrication because it is good for the earth (i.e., decreases waste, uses less water to produce the fiber).  There are other benes too, though:  the fabric washes and wears really easily; your pants and shirts will not experience initial shrinkage after the first wash; color holds nicely and because of the nature of poly(ester), it makes it easy for you to sweat a lot and to perform more competitive (high performance) activities in the clothing.

But, I want to make clear – just because we added a new fabrication to our OMALA line, this recycled poly/span fabric doesn’t feel like our competitors’ fabrics.  We still prize good design and good feeling clothing.  Our recycled poly is really beautiful, high quality and not ultra-thick.  And, our designs are supportive without making you feel like you need to stop eating and drinking water just to squeeze yourself into the clothing. 

Try  our new styles.  Try our new fabrication.  We think you’re going to like what you see (and wear)!

Always,

Kate

There, I got your attention.  Toxic clothing is more prevalent than you might think.  And you won’t find “toxic contents” listed on the care/wash label inside your workout top.  That would be too easy.  Yes, you should be thinking:  “My work-out gear crumpled up in my dresser drawer; the clothing I wear to the gym; it may be bad for me?  How is that possible?” 

You should think about every aspect of your health – what you eat, how you exercise your physical body, how you alleviate mental stress – including what you put on your skin.  There is an incredible amount of knowledge and understanding about what products are best for taking care of your skin.  Right?  The beauty industry has a marketing war-chest to advertise new eye creams, face creams, soaps, lotions, oils and make-up that is best for certain skin types, tones and age-ranges.  We make decisions everyday in the super-market or at beauty counters on what cream or lotion would be best for our body.  Where is that same awareness about the clothing we purchase to put on our body?  How is clothing and cream any different than the other when it comes to what’s best for our skin?  Our epidermis is the body’s largest (porous) organ.  What we put on our skin is literally absorbed and assimilated into our (internal) body – our blood-stream, organs and respiratory system.  If we expose our skin to chemicals and noxious pesticides, there will be a direct and negative effect in our body. 

What makes clothing toxic and why is toxic bad (I’m being didactic here given that the use of the work “toxic” alludes to the negative directly)?

Toxic clothing is made with harsh chemicals like formaldehyde, nonylphenol ethoxylates (NPEs), insecticides, flame retardants and nano-particles.  Chemicals are introduced at various levels in the manufacturing process of making clothes – growing the raw material, making the yarn, knitting and weaving the fabric and in the color dyeing process.  When the clothing is worn (and sweated in), those chemicals are emitted, so that by both having the clothing touch or be in close proximity to our skin, we are exposed to these toxins. Toxic clothing is a more urgent issue than ever before.  As we move away from buying and wearing natural fibers that have been the staple of apparel-making over the last sixty years – cotton, wool and silk -  and move towards a predominance of and demand for high-tech, “innovative” and man-made fabrications – nylon, spandex, Teflon, these toxic chemicals used in making these synthetic garments are increasingly prevalent in the clothing that we wear to exercise.  The chemicals reside in the very fibers of the clothing; and do harm to our bodies in very real ways.   Significant increases in fertility problems, respiratory disease, contact dermatitis and cancer have all be directly linked to the contact and exposure to clothing made from a cocktail mix of chemicals. Scary stuff indeed!

So what’s our “Plan of Action”?  How can we avoid toxic clothing?  What are our alternatives?  The good news, there are many.

The words “eco-friendly”, “sustainable”, “earth-conscious”, “organic” and “green” get batted around and re-articulated over and over again by a never ending stream of companies marketing their products but what exactly do all of these words really mean, when it comes to clothing that we wear to lounge in, walk around in or work-out in? It all can be so confusing and the particular nuance to each word lost on us – most of us non-experts in the manufacturing of apparel.  Let me give you the facts.

You can rarely go wrong buying and wearing natural fibers.  They come from the earth, go through minor modifications to become yarn and ultimately, a top or bottom you’ll wear.  Organic is an extension of ‘natural’ in that a company producing “organic” clothing has to get approval from a national or more typically, international governing body identifying the raw material(s) used in making the product, has been made without pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, genetic modifications, or other substances and processes that are known to be harmful to human health.  The most commonly known organic fiber if ‘organic cotton’.  Organizations that offer certifications to companies that are devoted to the development of eco or green textiles include Okeo-tex100, ISO-14001, IMO and Control Union. 

• An Organic label requires a 3rd-party certification process.
• Green implies practices are employed by a company that take care of the earth by recycling, minimizing waste and conserving natural resources.
• Sustainable usually identifies aspects of a product or raw material(s) within a product that provides a positive impact to Earth’s resources and/or are beneficial to the end-consumer.
• “Eco-friendly” and “earth-conscious” are more catch phrases; umbrella thoughts – used to impart to the consumer that aspects of the product they are buying minimizes man’s impact on the planet. 

What’s important to remember about the various types of eco or green textile attributes listed above is less the differences between them and more their commonality:  organic, green and sustainable are all about treating the human body with care and minimizing harm to Earth – just at varying degrees and levels.  Non-toxic (organic, natural, sustainable) work-out apparel allows your body/skin to breathe effectively; is a non-irritant to skin; and absorbs and releases moisture more effectively and naturally, as your skin does.  Non-toxic work-out clothes so too, are bio-degradable and recyclable lending themselves to be better energy savers, waste minimizers and lower pollution expenders than their synthetic counterparts.

Where do I sign-up, you may be asking yourself.  How can I get me some of that?!?

You can find some really exciting green textiles on the market today to keep you active and fit!  I’ve mentioned organic cotton earlier.  If you like the feel of cotton, you won’t be able to get enough of active wear made with bamboo – the fiber is delicious on the skin.  One could say that bamboo fiber used in making clothing is revolutionary – and it would be hard to refute!  Environmentally, bamboo forests grow so dense that they return 30% more oxygen to the atmosphere than tree forests.  Bamboo plantations require very little water to grow, are highly drought resistant and do not need pesticides to grow the bamboo shoots to maturity within four years – thus requiring far less energy to produce than cotton fields and 100% biodegradable in nature.   To the wearer of bamboo clothing, skin allergies or dermatitis are non-existent, moisture absorbency is four-times higher than cotton, odors are abated because of the naturally occurring anti-microbial agents within the bamboo grass itself and the fiber is incredibly breathable and cold/warm regulating.  It’s a super fiber.  If you want to feel great working out and keep yourself cool in the process; wear bamboo!

Recycled Polyester/PET is an exciting and incredibly new eco-fiber on the market.  Its feel, durability and non-shrink attributes for the wearer are the same as virgin spun polyester yarn but recycled poly has a massive positive impact on the planet.  Recycled Polyester active wear is literally made by recycling PET bottles – turning the plastic into yarn.  It takes exactly 12 PET bottles to yield enough fiber to make one T-shirt.  Super cool!  More than that, it reduces planet energy consumption by 84% compared to spinning virgin polyester fiber and cuts CO² emissions by 77% (think:  that equals a stand of 228 cedar trees helping to keep our Earth cool!).  If you want to feel supported and contoured in your work-out practice; wear Recycled Poly.  You’ve just taken a massive step towards conserving the planet’s natural resources. 

Always,

Kate

Byline by Kate Gaertner, pg. 102

les nouvelles

esthetiques & spa

i’m a lady who can’t seem to hide much from others – in that, i wear my emotions on my sleeve.

i speak the truth.  i keep it real.  i know who i am.  i like how i’m evolving as a human being.

when i say something;  i mean it.

i really don’t want to be anybody else.

i think of others as on a level playing field.  meaning – no one’s higher or lower than me.  they are themselves.

i don’t like me versus  you; us versus them.  i hate that outlook, that perspective on life.

it’s what i cannot stand in extreme organized religion.  believe what you want to believe in but when someone thinks – truly believes – that his/her way is the superior/best/right way of living, doing, thinking, being – i don’t accept that.

It’s WE that works.  Solves problems.  Accepts differences.  Teams up.  Lives in harmony.

I’m a big believer in taking responsibility for one’s actions.  know what you want.  act. there’s often unintended consequences.  ok.  you’re not alone.  accept those variant paths life throws you.  be that stand-up guy!

what you see if what you get. you may not like me.  you may not like what i do.  you may not understand why i did something.  i wish i could say that it all just rolls off my back.  but that wouldn’t be honest.  that wouldn’t be true.  things bother me.  i wish i could have done something or another differently.  i learn.  humbly, i learn and move forward.  but in the end, i did what i did because i was speaking my truth. living my life.  honestly.    you can trust that.

and that’s all i have to say about that.

be well,

kate

Seemingly and without much real notice, I went from fit to slovenly in just under two years.  I guess the downward slide started BEFORE then but it was imperceptible.

A tan won’t even hide the fact that I fit into NOTHING!!

My Pilates instructor friend tells me the rib cage expands after having a child.  That’s why my dresses won’t zip up past my waist. (I fail to tell her that the tummy section of my dresses bulge too, because she was trying to be kind to me and I appreciate that immensely).

My yoga friend tells me that the SHAPE of the body changes after giving birth to a child.  Yea, I get it.  The shape of my boobs, butt, thighs and hips all got bigger and fatter and really loads more unflattering.

You know who’s the real culprit here?  ME.  Crazy ‘ole silly ‘ole lazy ‘ole tired old Kate.  That’s who.

I don’t work out the way I used to.  the dirty little secret?  I barely work out at all.  and even more upsetting and gross and one of those, “I can’t believe I’m admitting this”, to YOU out there, I eat Maddie’s dinners if she fails to do so.  Which is often.  Lots.  She seems to want to eat exactly what I don’t offer her each and every night.  I find it amazing.  I find it more amazing that I sit there and watch myself polishing off the cut-up hotdog and Kraft mac (that sucks) or the chicken nuggets.  It’s CRAZY to me that I do this and yet, I continue to do it.

Six weeks ago I hired a personal trainer to WHIP me into shape.  guess what?  I’m not whipping into anything very fast!  the bounce back feature on the human body starts getting a little tricky after 40.  or faulty.  or more unreliable.  Which is it?

My personal trainer doesn’t believe in any form of exercise as useful exercise if it’s not on a treadmill, Stairmaster or stationary bike.  we actually had an argument one week about this topic – specifically, that I had gone to yoga twice that week as – how I saw it – my extra cardiovascular work-outs outside of when we meet (which is twice a week).  I thought I had really kicked it into high gear, man.  I mean the yoga I did that week was rigorous!  You may know that kind – sweating profusely.  Hands on knees leaning forward occasionally trying to catch your breath DURING a yoga sequence.  Slippery mat.  They weren’t easy classes, I tell you!

Anyway, she scolded me.  Told me that I could do yoga any day I wanted as long as I got two cardio workouts done in the gym.  I told her my yoga was cardiovascularly challenging; that I’d buy her a class and we would take yoga together.  she didn’t like that.  I got a bit of a lecture on why SHE didn’t need to do yoga…and that was really the end of any meaningful conversation we had that morning.  Frankly, I shouldn’t be talking to her anyway – I’m paying her to whip me into shape!

the dawning reality is that my joints hurt.  they hurt when all I do is run and bike and Stairmaster and lift weights.  I don’t sleep well. Advil becomes my daily friend.  I wake-up cranky.  Patraic doesn’t like that.  maddie doesn’t understand.  my joints HURT!

yoga makes my joints feel good.  makes my innards feel fresh.  makes my mind calm and peaceful.  makes what I say to others easy to hear.  makes me not want to hit the person who cut me off in the subhuman or yell at the person, who doesn’t say thank you when I hold open the door for them.  And I’m the girl!!!

Yoga makes me sleep well at night.  My body feels like it exercised.  My muscles feel used and taut.  My joints don’t pop or ache.

Friends.  Friends are great.  They are interesting and impressive and fun and funny.  They make you feel good about yourself, “I picked that guy as my friend! Yea, I’m kind of cool.  No, I’m really cool!”  They are insightful and intelligent and thoughtful and caring.  They listen to your griping; bemoan with you; empathize and relate.  Ultimately, they get you laughing again, which is always the perfect departure kicker until next time.

Friends shouldn’t make you feel like you can’t be YOU.  Friendships shouldn’t make you hurt or ache or feel lacking in any way. Not at least – from the interaction between the two of you.

I’m too old or maybe, too wise (I like to think the later) and have too little time left on this Earth, to hang with folks that make me feel lacking.  Please, tell me the truth.  Be honest, just not brutally.  But don’t, in any way, belittle me or cut me down with subtle language or thinly disguised superiority.  Don’t judge me either.  Just be there.  Listen.  Understand.  And if you don’t, emphasize.  That’s the great thing about humans – our ability for emotional intelligence.  Empathy.  That’s one of the traits that places us high on the food chain.

I’ve decided:  after 6+ weeks working out in a hot, boring and kind of small gym space (again, not knocking the gym thing for others – just not for me), I’m going to incorporate more yoga into my routine.  It’ll make me feel better; joints too.

Yours,

kate

it was all a bit curious to me.

I say that because my intention for the blog is not to illicit help from anyone.  the blog is personal, for sure. I don’t know how else to write.  it’s from the heart.  it’s honest.   it’s real.  but, it’s not all as bad or worrisome or concerning as it may come across.  I’m well-adjusted.  I’m happy, most days.  I’m too much in my head but I’m not sure how to stop that, for me.

so, send me your comments.  send me your thoughts.  but promise, don’t worry about me, unless you get a call from me stating otherwise.

Am I a good wife?

Yea, I think I am most of the time.  I’m surely not an easy wife.  I’m emotionally demanding – I demand presence, interaction, involvement.  I know I demand that Patraic sometimes read my moods via ESP.  Not always a good requirement for a happy, open-communication marriage!

I remember asking Patraic one day recently if my very presence calmed him.  Before I give you his answer, let me explain my thought process here.  Patraic’s presence DOES calm me.  I could have a harried, hectic, overworked day and get home and not be able to relax.  As Patraic walks through the door and gets settled at home, I start picking up his vibe; his relaxed vibe.  It’s this tamping down of my  hyper-drive mental state that makes me feel good being in his presence. So, I thought, I feel this way about him, he loves me and likes  to be around me; he must feel calm in my presence.  So, I asked him.  And before I could nearly take a quick little breath, he blurts out “absolutely not! That’s NOT what I get from you.”

Well…I was a bit taken aback.  Shocked!  I had never expected that answer.

Patraic told me he’s not looking for calmness from me.  I give him passion.  Energy.  Driving curiosity.  Not calmness or a sense of ease.  I had to think about what that meant for me; for him; for our union.

It’s kinda the same thing as the various types (or systems) of yoga available in the Western world.  There are SO many, right?  Who knows what they all mean and do and incorporate.  I mean, what’s the difference between Ashtanga, Bikram, Power, Vinyasa, Hatha, Iyengar, Anusara, Yin, Sivananda and the list goes on.  If you weren’t steeped in yoga and the origins of yoga; if you hadn’t studied one practice and then the other; if you were a novice or beginner to yoga, how’d you know what type of yoga to do?  Maybe a friend tells you to try a particular type of yoga because he/she likes it.  Maybe you go to a yoga class because you met a yoga teacher, who teaches there.  Maybe you just walk into the studio closest to you and start practicing.  Perhaps even more common, you try what they offer at your local gym.

In my mind, it doesn’t matter.  Somehow, some way, for some reason, you came to yoga and you arrived at the place where you are now.  Not one system is the best or the most right.  Some yoga systems you’ll hate, I mean, really dislike.  You may say to yourself, “If THAT’S yoga, I’m not into it.  AT ALL!”  That’s actually what I said (to myself, of course) when I was 22.  I doctor suggested I try yoga as a means to balance or create symmetry in my muscular body.  Really, the only type of yoga around at that time in Washington, D.C., was Iyengar.  I signed myself up for a packet of 8 classes.  I hated each session.  My body never warmed up.  I was stiff and sore.  We used GODDDDDDD, PROPS!!!  Like chairs.  Really, I would look around and wonder, what am I doing here?

I finished the eight sessions and didn’t go back to yoga for another 6 years.

A friend suggested I try this new form of yoga – Hot (or Bikram) yoga.  I thought, why not? My body is killing me.  I can’t sleep.  I can barely walk.  What’s the harm. I was at a physically desperate time in my life.  I LOVED the heated room.  I hated how much pain I was in.  But the brilliant thing was that when I fell asleep at night after taking my Bikram class, I slept like a deeply dreaming baby.  It was luscious.  I was addicted.

I practiced Bikram yoga exclusively for three years.  Three years.

I haven’t set foot in a Bikram Yoga studio or class for nearly 10 years.  I don’t want to do that practice anymore.

See, here’s the point.  Life is a series of small (and sometimes big) changes.  We are in a constant state of fluctuation.  We don’t want to admit that but we are. However you come to yoga, is the perfect way.  How you move through yoga, is what’s best suited for you. What type of yoga enthralls you, is the yoga for you.

We are all different (I feel like I state the over obvious, so apologies if you also think so).  I don’t CARE what type of yoga you practice.  I just want you to try yoga. Find the system that makes you feel good.  Makes you feel connected to something bigger than your bodily self.  Drives you to want to learn more, be more, become more conscious; makes you passionate, calm, energized, empathetic, thoughtful.  We’re talking about connections here.  It’s all one big system and way of being; how you get there is your own personal unique journey.

Back to my marriage:

I love that Patraic calms me.  More importantly, I’m a better person because Patraic is my partner in this life.  I gotta love that Patraic loves me for what I bring to him in our union.  No questioning.  What’s the point?

Find your way.  Be you.  Enjoy.

Always,

Kate

when did all those lines form?  Splotches appear?

when did the rosiness in my cheeks drain away?

why do I look so drawn?

god, maybe it’s the lack of sleep.  I don’t sleep anymore.  even when I do, I really don’t.  it’s not good, solid, I’m lost in the netherworld sleep.  it’s quick-paced, jittery, uneven and surface.  I often wake up wondering when maddie’s going to walk into our room and say, “HI!!!!”, whether at 12:32am, 1:40am, 3:20am or 5:45am. It’s always the same refrain:  really upbeat, really excited.  It exhausts me.

who am I?

I’m serious.  I’m having a mid-life crisis at 40.  It’s so cliché.  I only thought men went through this crap (apologies to my male readers out there – you’re NOT alone!)

I knew who I was.  Not in my early 20′s.  But, just about at 29 years of age.  I knew.  I liked myself (most of the time).  I liked how I looked.  I really liked my friends.  I was psyched about my job.  The dating game still sucked but I was upbeat and ready to conquer that aspect of my life.  I was intent on finding the “right” guy.  I had committed myself to working on meeting the right guy.  It gives me a chuckle thinking about it.  It was the right thing to do.  I found that GREAT GUY but I still have to chuckle at my fortitude and seriousness with it all.

I had a few moments of not liking who I was in my early 30′s.  Mainly because I had a bitch of a boss.  And when I say BITCH, I really mean a fucked up, messed-in-the-head, self-loathing, hate projecting, eye of Sauron, kind of BITCH of a boss.  She sucked!  I quit and then was like, “what do I do now?”  I decided to think upon what I really LOVED to do.  It took some time.  Nine months, exactly.  But man, that was a productive , and looking back now, great time in my life.  Everything congealed.  Came together.  Blocks stacked together nicely.  I didn’t think of that time as that way but again, looking back, it was.

I really knew who I was when I started my business.  I was purposeful.  Filled with passion.  Raw ambition.  Drive.  Ballsyness.  I love male-part adjectives.  I just wish I actually had balls.  I think they would be fun to grab every once in a while.  You know?  Come on…you know!!  I loved saying I was an entrepreneur.  I would go to parties or events and really didn’t care if people asked me what I did.  And believe me, I REALLY DIDN’T CARE what job title someone else had.  I was doing what I wanted to do. I was my own boss.  I didn’t have to report to anyone.  I was creating.  Making things happen.  I wasn’t part of the “rat race”.  I didn’t feel like I had to compete with where I was in the career world and size someone else up (or myself) by how much money he/she made.  God, what a terrible waste of time that all is.

Where I lost who I was – I’m being completely honest here – is when I had Maddie.  It’s been over two years and I still can’t reconcile who I am.

who am I?

Am I a mom?  Yes, I am a mom.  But not a stay-at-home mom.  No knock to stay-at-home mom’s but I think I would DIE if I stayed at home with Maddie.  Shrivel up into a big fat wrinkly ball of dry skin.  Really ugly stuff.  I’m a mom but I don’t’ want to be JUST a mom.  I ask myself why is it that I’m  not OK with just being a mom or said another way, why am I not ok with owning up to being a mom as a part of who I am?  There’s a feeling of relegation – a “I’m now put in a box”; a I’m that person who stands around a sandbox with baggy pants on and smiles wanly around the park at other mom’s.  For me – and believe me, this is my issue – I can’t stand it all.  I hate jungle gyms.  I hate hanging out in parks with little people.

Even before I had Maddie I would tell people that I’m not that mom that likes  to get down on the floor and play with her child.  I do but it’s not my primary instinct.  I tell people I’ll like to cook and go to museums with Maddie,  as she gets older and is into that stuff.

I have a nanny four days a week- sometimes five – that takes great care and concern for my little lady.  Often, when it’s time for me to “take over”, I have a kind of panic attack; a little – oh no, what am I going to do with Maddie moment; a I don’t want to do this again feeling.  It’s hard to ‘fess up to these emotions.  It’s easier when I’m writing it on a piece of paper and don’t think anyone is going to read my blog.  No one’s reading, right?

I told Patraic last night that I started a blog that I could spend HOURS writing.  No absence of things to write about on this topic.  So, this one’s going to span a couple of weeks.  You’ll have to wait with baited breathe (or a good deal of patience) to see this blog entry to the end.  Apologies at the get-go.

Who am I?

Well, I am actually a mom now.  For sure.  It’s called into question the idea of who I thought I was before having  Maddie:  a Kate, who was married, an entrepreneur, independent, a good partner to Patraic, a great cook, healthy and fit, and a well-rounded individual.  After Maddie, some  of those “ideas of who I am” flew out the window, like -independence, great cook, healthy and fit, well-rounded and frankly, in the early days, a good partner to Patraic.  Mommydom completely ruled my life.  I didn’t bestow the power to it myself but it grabbed control and went screaming and running in the other direction.

What’s helped me come to grips with the mommy-side of who Kate is?  Frankly, a lot of bitching and complaining.  Thank god I didn’t do so much of that in my past, otherwise I would have worn out my friends before I really needed them.  Also, the passing of time.  You grow into the new you.  You change.   You diverge from what you want to what is.  I’m sure hitting 40 also helped.  As one of my amazing friends, Valarie Samulski, just said, “Align, flow and then let go.”

I’m getting back to taking regular yoga classes at one of my all-time favorite yoga studios in Manhattan, the Jivamukti Yoga Center.  I took a class last Saturday and again on Monday.  I physically felt AWFUL in the classes but it felt SO GOOD to be moving and breathing and huffing and puffing and zenning out, man!  I can’t tell you.  I slept so well after both classes.  In Saturday’s class, I cried.  Only yoga has been able to reach me so spontaneously like that.  Something was said or I moved into a pose and hit some deep emotions – in my kidney region, perhaps, and I started to weep.  It’s always shocking but I know it’s a good, good thing.  When it happened to me the very first time, I was afraid and ashamed. I didn’t know why I couldn’t control my emotions. I didn’t know why, or what, made me cry.  But now I know.  And in this time of my  life, during my Kate mid-life crisis, at 40 and now a mom, I need the release.

You know one of the very best things about yoga – taking a yoga class?  It’s dedicated time to completely focus on yourself physically & emotionally and simultaneously, if the studio, practice and instructor are genuine, to dedicate that entire time, to someone else or to the universe, as a whole.  Its’ SO brilliant!

And so the journey continues…and this blog, on Who Am I?  To be continued.